Issue 84: Awkward Wedding Speeches are Good for Literature, Bad for Weddings

I don’t think that any wedding is complete without an Awkward Wedding Speech. Matthew’s father delivers a classic one in One Story issue #84, “Wedding Pictures.” He actually ends with, “Let them eat cake!”

The most awkward wedding speech I’ve ever witnessed was presented at my cousin Mark’s wedding. His bride’s friends gave a shared speech, which means that two people decided it was a good idea to tell the wedding guests that, “Mark didn’t really want to go out with Judy at first. So she kept calling him and calling him, and when he didn’t respond, she took the train up to Cornell from New Haven and showed up at his doorstep.”

One of my other cousins leaned over to me and whispered, “Did Mark just marry his crazy stalker?” Which is exactly what everyone else at the wedding was thinking.

What are some of the Awkward Wedding Speech situations in your life?

5 thoughts on “Issue 84: Awkward Wedding Speeches are Good for Literature, Bad for Weddings

  1. How about standing up for someone that you could barely muster the energy to tolerate for a few hours on a given night? Never mind having to get up and say niceties about them?

  2. I once saw a guy spend about seven minutes talking about how he’d always lived in the shadow of his brother, the groom, and how he always just did whatever the groom did, and now he wasn’t sure what to do with his own life because he couldn’t see himself marrying someone like the bride (though he did say “not that there’s anything *wrong* with her…”). It was pretty uncomfortable for all involved.

  3. Worst one I heard about was a best man who wrote a speech from the point of view of the couple’s cat, and what it was like for the cat to watch the couple have sex.

  4. I gave an absolutely HORRIBLE speech once. I hadn’t prepared anything because the bride said she didn’t want me to give a speech. I had been for a walk with a friend and walked into the reception hall where the best man was finishing his toast. I had been in the room for less than a minute when he shoved the microphone in my hand and said, “Now it’s the maid of honor’s turn.” Trouble was, I had been dumped by the LOVE of my LIFE the week before and I thought the groom was a pervert cad and a liar to boot. So I made some kind of comment about marriage making people better and how I was sure the bride would make the groom better. It was horrible. But of course, no one got mad at the idiot best man who shoved the mike in my hand…

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